The Fantasy Fringe
A wholly imaginary programme of workshops for the frazzled modern parent. None of these are real. Sadly. Please do not actually tattoo, tether, Velcro or tube-feed anyone.
QR-Code Child Tagging
Mislaid a child? Never again. We tattoo a discreet QR code to your offspring and register them online — one quick scan reunites lost property with rightful owner. Lamination available.
Scan & reclaim
iPad Separation Tent
For the screen-weaned child mid-withdrawal: a calm, dim space where they may gaze upon small, switched-off black rectangles — grounding themselves on the void — until the trembling subsides and equilibrium returns.
Free · BYO dead device
Parents' Wine Quenching Tent
Grown-ups recline as house red is gravity-fed straight from hanging buckets via individual tubing. No glass to hold, no decisions to make. A sommelier shouts "refill" so you needn't move.
£tipsy / session
V.I.P. — Very Important Parents
A velvet-roped sanctuary for parents of profound self-importance. Complimentary lanyard, a fold-out throne, and the quiet bliss of being just the other side of the rope from everyone else.
Invitation (self-issued)
Child-Tethering Stable
Like a coat-check, but for toddlers. Securely tether your child to our purpose-built stable rail — hay optional — and enjoy a hot drink within sightline. Watered hourly, on the hour.
£3 / tether
Vertical Crèche
Pop baby into a fluffy Velcro suit and press gently to our soft padded wall. Teletubbies loops at a hypnotic distance. Babies hang happily; parental arms are returned to service.
£fluff / hour
Emotional Baggage Handling
A supportive tent where grown-ups process the rich childhood trauma so generously bestowed upon them — by their own children. Tissues, a firepit and knowing nods all provided.
Cathartic · donations
Treat-Testing Lab
Festival-grade harm reduction for the pick-and-mix generation. Hand in your child's party-bag haul and our white-coated technicians assay the sugar load, flag anything dangerously moreish, and return an honest gram-per-gummy readout. No judgement — just numbers.
Free · harm reduction