★ Strictly Tongue-in-Cheek ★
The Fantasy Fringe
A wholly imaginary programme of workshops for the frazzled modern parent. None of these are real. Sadly. Please do not actually tattoo, tether, Velcro or tube-feed anyone.
A
Registration Tent · All Weekend
QR-Code Child Tagging
PERMANENT-ISH · INK OPTIONAL
Mislaid a child? Never again. We tattoo a discreet QR code to your offspring and register them online — one quick scan reunites lost property with rightful owner. Lamination available.
Scan & reclaim
B
Decompression Dome · Drop-in
iPad Separation Tent
UNPOWERED · STRICTLY OFFLINE
For the screen-weaned child mid-withdrawal: a calm, dim space where they may gaze upon small, switched-off black rectangles — grounding themselves on the void — until the trembling subsides and equilibrium returns.
Free · BYO dead device
C
Hydration Station · Dusk till…
Parents' Wine Quenching Tent
TUBES PROVIDED
Grown-ups recline as house red is gravity-fed straight from hanging buckets via individual tubing. No glass to hold, no decisions to make. A sommelier shouts "refill" so you needn't move.
£tipsy / session
D
👑
Roped-Off Enclosure
V.I.P. — Very Important Parents
BY SMUGNESS ONLY
A velvet-roped sanctuary for parents of profound self-importance. Complimentary lanyard, a fold-out throne, and the quiet bliss of being just the other side of the rope from everyone else.
Invitation (self-issued)
E
🪢
The Stables · Daylight Hours
Child-Tethering Stable
LEADS SUPPLIED
Like a coat-check, but for toddlers. Securely tether your child to our purpose-built stable rail — hay optional — and enjoy a hot drink within sightline. Watered hourly, on the hour.
£3 / tether
F
The Wall · Nap-adjacent
Vertical Crèche
VELCRO + FLEECE
Pop baby into a fluffy Velcro suit and press gently to our soft padded wall. Teletubbies loops at a hypnotic distance. Babies hang happily; parental arms are returned to service.
£fluff / hour
G
🧳
The Carousel · Therapeutic
Emotional Baggage Handling
EXCESS WEIGHT WELCOME
A supportive tent where grown-ups process the rich childhood trauma so generously bestowed upon them — by their own children. Tissues, a firepit and knowing nods all provided.
Cathartic · donations
H
The Lab · Anonymous Drop-off
Treat-Testing Lab
GRAMS PER GUMMY
Festival-grade harm reduction for the pick-and-mix generation. Hand in your child's party-bag haul and our white-coated technicians assay the sugar load, flag anything dangerously moreish, and return an honest gram-per-gummy readout. No judgement — just numbers.
Free · harm reduction
