One field. Two nights. A bill of headliners you won't find anywhere else — because they're parent-powered, and they're ours.
Every act is fire-fuelled and quietly legendary. Here's who's playing which stage.
The legendary BBQ Heroes return to fire up incredible meaty culinary surprises as the sun drops behind the trees — opening night's headline set.
£7.50 / head
Level two of the woodland classic — off into Dulwich Woods we go. Adult helpers needed to ride shotgun on the adventure.
£8 / child
Headsets on, world off. Decks shared with Reception (danke, Emilie!). We need playlist heroes with their devices & a few to sign out headsets.
£2.50 / headset
Parent-led pop-up with Doug, Hong, Fenja & Andy on the Ooni ovens, dough from Salvo 1968 in Herne Hill. Starbucks-style — we'll shout your name when it's ready.
Order on the sheet ↗A loose, joyful timetable. Bring fun things to do — live music, games, firepits, wood & good vibes.
The UK's in a proper heatwave right now. Here's the live picture for The Fort — and how to keep the whole crew safe and happy in the sun.
Drink before you're thirsty. Pack ~2–3 litres per person per day — more for kids tearing about. Squash & electrolyte sachets keep little ones sipping.
SPF30+ on everyone, topped up every couple of hours. Wide-brim hats, sunnies and loose light clothes — fold it into the "Dress Like an American" look.
Lucky us — we're under the trees. Rig extra tarps or a gazebo and take it easy between 11am and 3pm, when the sun is fiercest.
A zipped-up tent can top 50°C. Never nap a child — or leave anyone or a pet — inside during the day. Pitch in shade, open every vent.
Headache, dizziness, cramps, clammy pale skin? Move to shade, cool down, sip water. Confused, hot dry skin, or unwell? That's heatstroke — call 999.
The ground is tinder-dry. Fires only in the site's metal fireplaces, a bucket of water beside them, never left unattended — and check there's no burn ban.
Shade and water for four-legged campers too. Hot ground burns paws, so walk them early morning or late evening, not in the midday heat.
It drops overnight. Light bedding, a battery fan, a damp flannel and open vents make for a far comfier night under canvas.
A wholly imaginary programme of workshops for the frazzled modern parent. None of these are real. Sadly. Please do not actually tattoo, tether, Velcro or tube-feed anyone.
Mislaid a child? Never again. We tattoo a discreet QR code to your offspring and register them online — one quick scan reunites lost property with rightful owner. Lamination available.
Scan & reclaim
For the screen-weaned child mid-withdrawal: a calm, dim space where they may gaze upon small, switched-off black rectangles — grounding themselves on the void — until the trembling subsides and equilibrium returns.
Free · BYO dead device
Grown-ups recline as house red is gravity-fed straight from hanging buckets via individual tubing. No glass to hold, no decisions to make. A sommelier shouts "refill" so you needn't move.
£tipsy / sessionA velvet-roped sanctuary for parents of profound self-importance. Complimentary lanyard, a fold-out throne, and the quiet bliss of being just the other side of the rope from everyone else.
Invitation (self-issued)Like a coat-check, but for toddlers. Securely tether your child to our purpose-built stable rail — hay optional — and enjoy a hot drink within sightline. Watered hourly, on the hour.
£3 / tether
Pop baby into a fluffy Velcro suit and press gently to our soft padded wall. Teletubbies loops at a hypnotic distance. Babies hang happily; parental arms are returned to service.
£fluff / hourA supportive tent where grown-ups process the rich childhood trauma so generously bestowed upon them — by their own children. Tissues, a firepit and knowing nods all provided.
Cathartic · donations
Festival-grade harm reduction for the pick-and-mix generation. Hand in your child's party-bag haul and our white-coated technicians assay the sugar load, flag anything dangerously moreish, and return an honest gram-per-gummy readout. No judgement — just numbers.
Free · harm reductionFees are per person. Add your acts — Feast, Bushcraft, headsets & pizza — on top, all on the sheet.
Dive into the sheet and sign up by the end of this week — payment ASAP 🙏 so the team can order pizza & lock in the Friday Feast.
Open the Sign Up sheet (easier on a laptop / bigger screen)
Add your crew & complete your pizza order, paste the total in
You'll get a grand total — pay it to the account below